I’m on record as saying that I don’t like hugs, but things are never so simple as that. These things are confusing. So confusing that two friends of mine once got into an argument over whether or not I liked to be hugged. The argument was so bitter that they didn’t talk for weeks afterward. (It’s just barely possible there were other, unspoken, reasons for the argument.)
Of course it’s almost always misleading to say that one does or doesn’t like something simpliciter--at least I think so. A friend once asked me what my favorite food was. I couldn’t think of one, so she clarified that a favorite food was a food you could eat all the time and never get tired of it. That seemed like too high a standard, there’s just nothing that I always want to eat (If I remember right, her favorite food was lasagna). It’s the same with hugs. Sometimes they’re good; sometimes they’re bad. But usually they’re bad.
The problem with hugs is this: too often they are forced. More often than not, when I’m asked for a hug it’s not a request or a kind gesture--it’s a demand. Love me now, it says. It puts me on edge. It makes me not want to comply. Maybe I’m just not capable of love on demand. Another friend used to occasionally surprise me with, “I need you to tell me something nice about me right now.” I couldn’t. It stripped me of agency and made me feel used.
No one asks if I’d like to give them a hug. Instead they put out their arms and demand it. Like a zombie coming towards me, arms outstretched. Or worse, your least favorite aunt with lips puckered for a kiss. (Not that I have a least favorite aunt. They’re all my favorite because each of them is better than all of the others.) I could refuse, but then I’d be the jerk for not being loving. Then again, if I don’t refuse I’m the jerk again for giving an insincere hug.
But I do like hugs when they’re both wanted and freely given. When they really are a sign of care and attention. It’s just rare to find them.
Some of the things I’ve been reading lately say that one has a right to be loved--even a right to demand love and attention from individual others. But it’s hard for me to break out of a certain mindset. In that mindset, while one might deserve something, even have a right to it, no one has an obligation to provide it. The stock example is marriage: everyone has a right to marry, but no one has an obligation to marry some individual person (or any person). Now, I’m no libertarian, so I don’t see that we have no (unearned) obligations toward other people, but the marriage example seems good. We may have some obligations to provide for the poor, etc. I may have some obligation to pay taxes. But it’s not clear that the same can be said for something like a hug. Labor, such as that which provides money, can be given (or taken) without destroying its value. If one is forced to work, it doesn’t obviously destroy the work. If one is forced to love though, forced to hug, it does seem to destroy the value.
Perhaps I’m overthinking this. I’ve been told that I’m very smart--very logical--but that I don’t understand people. I’ve also been told that I’m deeply immature when it comes to interpersonal relations and it’s a miracle I manage to function in society.
There is, as always, a simple solution that avoids the problem. Just always want to be hugged. Always accede happily to that demand. That’s the simple solution, just like all my aunts being my favorite.
4 comments:
This is awesome. I'm with you completely in the dislike of insincere hugs or any physical contact, actually. It goes along with my distaste for fake (insincere) friendships/relationships. I'm uncomfortable with the kind of "friendship" that consists of nothing more than "Hi, how are you?" "I'm fine, how are you?" Some people pair that kind of superficial communication with physical affection and to me, it's weird. Not the good weird, the awkward and bad weird. I try to stay far away from people like that but give in and hug them if they do the zombie attack thing you described. It's more uncomfortable to hurt their feelings and deal with the questions than it is to put up with the hug.
Sincere affection is the best thing in the world. There needs to be more of it and maybe there's more than we think. It's just hard to know what is sincere, what is fake, and what is a trap.
With the exception of one person, hugs tend to weird me out and even when it's not awkward, I'm just about always surprized by them. They don't happen as often as handshakes, so I don't have the timing for them, either. "Ok hand goes at this level, exert this much pressure, maybe a little bob of the hand, and release." Hugs far more overwhelming, and really only worth it for close friends.
I don't like false hugs either, especially if they're preceded by the phrase, "Give me a hug" or "Let's have a hug". But then I don't like people who want to kiss me on either cheek when they meet me or when they say goodbye to me; it always catches me unaware and I find myself being awkwardly flung from one side to the other as somebody kisses both cheeks. Very unpleasant. Great post, by the way. I run a cycling blog in the UK called NoVisibleLycra. I've yet to deal with the subject of hugging or forced adoration, but yeah, I enjoyed your post.
I'm an unabashed hugger, raised that way my whole life. I really enjoyed and connected with what you wrote though. In the past several months I've experienced the "demanded" hug from an acquaintance who wishes to be more than just friends. It's uncomfortable and feels manipulative, as it's done in a public atmosphere where it would be inappropriate for me to refuse. As someone who many years ago probably forced hundreds of hugs out of you, I apologize if I ever made you feel that way.
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